Annie's Woodshed: Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

A True Wife

"A true wife makes a man's life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love 'turning all the forces of manhood upward and heavenward.' While she clings to him in holy confidence and loving dependence she brings out in him whatever is nobles and richest in his being. She inspires him with her courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path. -JR Miller

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Mirror Mirror on the Wall...

Who AM I?

Let me start by saying don't try and understand this because I don't. It is just the random thoughts that are running through my head and I had to write them down because they are driving me over the edge.

I am struggling right now to figure out who I am. I think! I know who I am, at least my other blog describes what I think I am, but this whole new life that we are leading has caused some conflict in my psyche. I don't know about you guys but I feel like I am living a double life. In my normal everyday American wife life, who struggles to stay within a budget, shop for food and store some away for a rainy day, be modest in dress and be the wife my husband needs. Now throw in this new element in life - domestic discipline and I feel like I am in a secret society.

Hello state of confusion. I am not sure I know how to put it in words. I just know my world has been turned upside down and I am not in control. That is the bottom line. I am struggling with the control issue. I was in control so long that now I don't have it I am at a loss of what I am supposed to be doing. Add in that my house feels like a college dorm, my job is stressful right now because the chair of my department has been told his is stepping down and is being phased out. The work environment is not hostile yet just very negative. This is hubby's busy season, plus he has taken on a side job of filming ball games for the college so our time is limited. All I can say is vacation can not come soon enough. I am hoping he will agree to long weekends through out the summer so we can get away more instead of taking all of our vacation at one time I would like 4 day weekends every weekend all summer long.

And here is the icing on the cake...today's Sunday School lesson was about the widow that gave all. It has made me question am I giving all? To whom am I giving all? Why am I giving all? Do I need to give all? Am I giving anything at all?

Yes my new address is in the State of Confusion, please forward all mail there. Oh look some residents have pretty jackets that let them hug themselves, I wonder if I will get one. LOL

13 comments:

PKApril 3, 2011 at 6:13 PM
Welcome to the state, I'm sure you'll like it here with the rest of us. I know when we began my emotions were much exaggerated my lows were much lower that what I usually experienced but the highs were greater too.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living a double life but I see it as a delightful secret shared only by my husband and I (at least in real life.) Lean on your blogging friends - vent on line, email if you like and know that this secret society is as strong and supportive as any you'll ever find.

Hope your summer comes off just like you want it.

Hugs,
PK
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Dragon's RoseApril 3, 2011 at 6:50 PM
Annie, welcome to the State of Confusion Club. I think feeling a little lost is normal. DD is a huge change. Giving up all that control we had and handing it to the dear husband? Hugs. Try dealing with a teenage girl in the mix. EEEK
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K's sweetieApril 3, 2011 at 7:26 PM
I feel your confusion. It's through blogs like yours that let me know I'm not alone....I'm not crazy. Others know what I'm feeling....they struggle with the same issues I am....and I get great advice. Hope things settle for you soon.

K's sweetie
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Annie's WoodshedApril 3, 2011 at 7:41 PM
Whewwww, thanks ladies, it is good to know that this is "normal" and I am not the only one that is struggling. Can we plant flowers here and put up hammocks here in this state? LOL
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AnonymousApril 3, 2011 at 9:26 PM
I understand how you feel completely. I definitely understand the double life scenario. This is not and easy way of life and only you and God know if you are giving enough.

I have no doubts you are. I think you are just overwhelmed. Take a step back and realize all that you have accomplished.

I see no slouch here!
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Annie's WoodshedApril 3, 2011 at 10:06 PM
Thanks Gems, like I said I just feel at a loss since I am not the one in control anymore I don't know what to do with myself and that causes stress. Maybe in a few more months I will a handle on things LOL
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AnonymousApril 3, 2011 at 10:16 PM
I agree with PK,
The lows seem lower and the highs seem higher.....I keep telling myself that's so much better then going through life numb! Don't worry...you are not alone!
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AnonymousApril 4, 2011 at 3:42 PM
hi annie,
you are definitely not alone in this. I have and do feel like I'm leading a double life at times. It's just my "real life" friends don't understand the importance of my obedience and submission to J (which is a huge part of who I am) and I always feel lke my online friends don't want to hear about the "mundane things" of my "real life" (although I've got to say that since we started cdd nothing looks quite as mundane as it used to) something that has really helped me was to find an online friend I could trust completely and be very close to and we call eachother. it helps reconcile those two worlds doing something as mundane as calling a friend but a special friend who knows the "real me" and understands that world. it makes me feel very normal
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Strong ManApril 5, 2011 at 5:26 PM
I would hope you could find compatibility between your two lives. That your "normal wife" mode could be complimented and enhanced by your new mode of organizing your relationship.

Your bedroom life hopefully is already private--this is just another element to that private life.

Thank you for sharing, though!
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Annie's WoodshedApril 6, 2011 at 8:04 PM
Thanks Strong Man, I just haven't quite got the two messed together yet. It is a little strange to say I need to call hubby and check with him where as a year ago, I would have just texted him and said going to lunch with the girls in the office, or I am going to the library. I have never asked permission to do anything so this is ALL new and very confusing.
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StormyApril 10, 2011 at 1:31 PM
Wow, that's exactly how I feel at times! Like my friends will be very disrespectful to their husbands, and I think about what happens if I ever do that..

It feels like a secret other half of my life. Sometimes it bothers me. I feel like I don't know myself, and I'm trying to catch up with my emotions about all of it.
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LilyApril 10, 2011 at 2:02 PM
Yep ... Welcome to the state of confusion. What color would you like that jacket in? Mine is in Jade Green! I think we can dye it any color you want but it takes a week longer since it has to dry first!!!

I am with everyone else, handing control over to the HoH is not an easy task and its one I struggle with also. I keep trying to let it go but I keep taking it back, just like I do with life and God!

~Hugs~
Lilly
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Annie's WoodshedApril 10, 2011 at 11:32 PM
Lilly, I can have any color I want...emerald green please and I would like the padding on my walls to be a buttercream yellow, it is such a cheery color. Lilly one of my problems is I want things done right then. If I wanted them done later I could do them myself but hubby is not that way, he will take care of things in his own time and that drives me absolutely insane.

Stormy, I get so embarrassed when I see and hear how some women talk to their husbands even before dd I would not dare talk to mine that way. I am a very emotional person, I cry at Extreme Home Make Over, hormones don't help so that is a double whammy around here. My emotions don't realize this is a marathon not a sprint race. They have got to pace themselves LOL
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Colossians 3:18-25

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Colossians 3:18-25 ESV

1Peter 3:1-7

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1Peter 3:1-7

Proverbs 31: 10-31

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31: 10-31 (ESV)

Annie's Woodshed