Annie's Woodshed: Communication...why is it so hard

A True Wife

"A true wife makes a man's life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love 'turning all the forces of manhood upward and heavenward.' While she clings to him in holy confidence and loving dependence she brings out in him whatever is nobles and richest in his being. She inspires him with her courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path. -JR Miller

Monday, January 3, 2011

Communication...why is it so hard

So I have a dilemma. I tend to be very blunt when I tell someone something. I need to tell hubby a few things but I don’t want it to seem like I am attacking him. So ladies how do you tell your honey something that he did or didn’t do upset you? Guys how do you want to hear that you did something that was not pleasing to your wife, how do you want to hear that she is upset with you?

Before I would pout, whine, give him the cold shoulder, slam cabinets well you get the idea. But I don’t want to do that now; however, I am afraid that it will not come out right and I what I say will sound like I am attacking him. I do not want to start the New Year off wrong.

I am sending him and email trying to explain what is bugging me but I keep deleting it. HELP!!!

8 comments:

SaraJanuary 3, 2011 at 12:03 PM
Hi Annie,

a good rule of peaceful communication is to try to avoid "you" sentences and stick to "I" ones. In other words, not "You hurt me" but "I felt hurt". Try to explain what happened, without making judgements or drawing conclusions. Say what you think he did or did not do, in a calm way, and how you feel about that, focusing on your feelings.

Sometimes writing it down first helps. It has been my experience that if I was accusing recently, or if he's feeling less secure, tired, or stressed, he might react defensively, at first anyway. Then I have to work hard to not get sucked into getting angry in response, and to just stick to "This is how I feel" "My feeling were hurt" "That made me feel bad" or whatever. I own the feelings and try to stay calm, letting him go through what he needs to, until he can work out a less reactive response. Our guys have their own insecurities too, you know?
ReplyDelete
Replies
abbyJanuary 3, 2011 at 12:36 PM
It is difficult to hit the right note. For me, an email is the best route, i can re-read it and try to see it frm his prospective. That wasy i can just state the issue, and also reassure Him of the good job he is doing otherwise. Gives him tme to think of a reply also.
abby
ReplyDelete
Replies
HiddenHaloJanuary 3, 2011 at 12:46 PM
LOL ... i have started to comment several times and deleted it each time. i am with you .. why is it SO hard??

communication is a difficult dynamic, but especially hard when we want to be heard while avoiding hurting or upsetting those we express our hearts too.

try wrapping your words carefully ... 'i feel ... when you do/say ...' or 'i am struggling to understand why you did (or what you meant by) ...'
ReplyDelete
Replies
PKJanuary 3, 2011 at 5:57 PM
I agree with Abby, stop deleting and start revising. I communicate so much by email that is by far the easiest for me these days. Sometimes I write very angry emails (but never send them) it helps to get the anger out of my system and then I can see myself what is really bothering me. Then I can explain it to Nick. I write and rewrite until I feel it says exactly what I want it to without being unkind or hurtful in any way. And even then I usually won't send it until the next day just to make sure it says what I meant it to say. It takes practice but it works pretty well.

Good luck,
PK
ReplyDelete
Replies
AnonymousJanuary 3, 2011 at 7:32 PM
I think you've probably made a lot of progress by not whining, pouting, and slamming things.

All the suggestions are good. I think it might help to say, "I have something on my mind that I want to discuss, but I want to be respectful at the same time, and I'm finding it hard to find the right words." This lets him know you've been thinking and struggling over this. I'm sure you'll do fine.
ReplyDelete
Replies
AudraJanuary 4, 2011 at 12:58 AM
Hi Annie,

I just discovered your blog and I really love it! I think what Sara and the others said is exactly right. Men do not think the same way we do! I've actually had arguments with my husband because he hurt my feelings then I got upset, then he got mad because he was mad he hurt my feelings! Ah the circular problem with that, so it sounds like you are on the right track by taking time to think about what you want to say to your man, and how to say it with the utmost respect! Ya know men want respect.. just like we want love...

I love the writing the angry e-mail and deleting it... sometimes after you remove the anger you think more clearly! Well, at least I do!

Good luck Annie, you'll have to tell us how it turns out!

Hugs,
Audra
ReplyDelete
Replies
B'ManJanuary 4, 2011 at 10:42 AM
I would have to agree with Mick. In some form or fashion that's the approach that Sugar uses with me (should I say "on" me?). I never find her to be disrespectful when she brings an issue of concern in this way. Only a heightened sense of bringing resolution.
ReplyDelete
Replies
Annie's WoodshedJanuary 5, 2011 at 7:03 PM
Update for you all...

So I took your advice and quit deleting the email and revised it a gazillion times but I finally sent it to him and now he is in the mulling over stage.
ReplyDelete
Replies

Add comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)

Colossians 3:18-25

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Colossians 3:18-25 ESV

1Peter 3:1-7

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1Peter 3:1-7

Proverbs 31: 10-31

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31: 10-31 (ESV)

Annie's Woodshed