Hubby and I are on two dd forums well one is a yahoo group and one is a forum. Today he said that there was a couple on the forum he would like to talk to because they were describing us...she needed discipline and he was afraid he was going to hurt her.
Well it all clicked in that mere moment...he is scared that is why he is so hesitant to spank me. He is afraid he is going to hurt me.
So guys I am asking you to please respond to this post (ladies please ask your hubbies to respond) and please tell "Mr. H" that he is not hurting me that yes it stings and I am going to yelp but he is not physically hurting me. Any bruises will disappear.
I have tried to explain to him and reassure him he is not hurting me but I think it would help if he reads it from a guys perspective.
I guess you can tell him, I trust you so completely, so utterly, you will not break me, you can not break me. Then maybe have a safe word just in case; but don't use it *L*
ReplyDeleteHi. My husband and I had this problem in the beginning of our journey, so we built up slowly. In the beginning my spankings were nowhere near as hard or severe as I needed, but gradually he realized I wouldn't break. Most women really have a lot of padding on their backside. And he loves how much more respectful and sexually turned on I am toward him now. Also, any woman who has had a baby really has nothing to fear from a spanking. We are pretty tough. Would he refuse to give you a baby because it will hurt?
ReplyDeleteThat's my 2 cents; unfortunately my husband takes no interest in any blogs or forums and is having a family crisis as well, so he isn't likely to post, but I can tell you he agrees with me that DD has improved our marriage a lot, and we are very happy.
We started with what I have heard called “slap and tickle” I called it impact play. We always kept it pleasurable to both of us. I don’t think we could have started any other way. He was so afraid of hurting me. I am very glad he got over that. The first time he left a mark on backside he was very upset. When I asked for more was surprised. My husband tries every new tool on his leg or arm first. That is how he learns how hard to use each tool. And with each new tool, he asks for a lot of feedback from me until he is confident he won’t hurt me with it.
ReplyDeleteAs with anything else. They only way to gain confidence it to do it. You may suggest maintenance as a way for both of you to get comfortable with TTWD.
If a man spanks his wife and he thinks he's hurting her (or coming close to it) that may be all he needs to dissolve any resentment and "upset-edness" he may be feeling (I would encourage NOT spanking while angry). But he will soon learn that it may not be enough to dissolve his wife's guilt or keep her from repeating the offending infraction.
ReplyDeleteAs your TTWD dynamic becomes more customized, the desire to help his wife overcome her guilt and the desire to prevent a recurrence of the behavior will naturally make the spankings harder and more intense. No need to rush it.
I was actually well served, as far as my own resentment, with erotic spankings at first. But learned that didn't work for Sugar's guilt nor did it deter any repeat behavior. There was a natural growth in intensity over time.
But, I'll say this: if punishment spanking only "stings"...um...that's probably not enough. Punishment should be painful. It should hurt while not causing any lasting or permanent physical hurt.
Communicate and search her out sometime after the spanking. Agree on a safe word (we use yellow for caution where I'll stop and ask questions; and red for "stop right now" - period). Rarely have they been used.
With that in mind don't worry about it. That booty can take it. Really.
It just takes time to figure out the limits. Perhaps some experimentation, too.
ReplyDeleteFor us, Lynda hit an emotional limit before she hit a physical one. I learned there's only so much she can take before the spanking becomes counter productive.
Just take it easy and learn as you go.
Agree with B'man on the safe words as a form of feedback. This can reassure him that he's not harming you (as opposed to hurting, which is definitely supposed to happen).
ReplyDeleteI'm very new to this, and it hurts a lot more than I anticipated. In the middle of every spanking I'm screaming and begging J to stop (because I'm a wuss). After the first few sessions, he knew to keep going, because I *need* that hurt to achieve the emotional release that I get. It seems that the more it hurts, the calmer and more peaceful I am afterwards. I don't think you can really explain it to someone who doesn't experience it the same way; he has to trust you to be truthful about your limits just as you trust him not to harm you.
Your husband understanding the difference between harming you and hurting you is important, as Sheila points out. Spanking hurts! Particularly a punishment spanking. After all it is suppose to hurt, but a spanking doesn't have to harm you. Just gave Fair Lady her first punishment spanking last weekend and she started clearly that it hurt. However, she wasn't harmed. There were no marks, no physical damage, no emotional damage.
ReplyDeleteYou two might need to take your butt for a few test drives, so your husband can see how much you can take. Plan time(s) when he can experiment with spanking you with different intensities, different implements, different settings, etc. Talk with him about whether it is too much or too little. Assure him that while it hurts, it's not too much for you to handle.
Go slowly! Getting your relationship to that harmonious state, we all seek takes time, and probably a bit of pain to your butt. Enjoy the journey, together.
We (I) had this problem a couple of years ago. The first Really good spanking I gave Missie really hurt me emotionally, but I come to realize the difference between Hurt and Injure when she ask me why I quit spanking her. I left marks that time, but she was not injured.
ReplyDeleteA few months ago I gave her a spanking that left bruises the night before a Dr. appointment. She told the Dr. what happed, and it was consensual; he simply asked if she deserved it.
My recommendation is to go at it in stages and use safe words to begin. Start with a Sensual Spanking; Start with swats that are lighter than light and build over a long period of time (30 min to 1 Hour Plus). Then go to a maintenance spanking (Start Slow, then build to a medium a little more rapid) Max 30 Min. and then when he is more comfortable do a “Practice punishment” (Start Slow and build up to max swing TALK TO HIM!!!!!! Let him know what they feel like.) Expect her to use foul language and give her an extra swat or two for it LOL.
Please let me know if this is helpful.
SOmeting that I offer to many new coules in this great world of DD or even D/s it they are that directed.
ReplyDeleteFirst how many swats did you give las ttime you Disciplined your wife, (and please get the mind set you are correcting something with discipline you shouldn't have the mind set that you are punishing)
IF it was 10 swats, then next time add a few more and next time add a few more.
This helps you build up to a level of discipline that helps correct the action and you learn how much your wife can take,
SOmething most of us males seem to forget is that the ladies have a great inner mechanism to deal with pain, and anyone that has been around child birth can't even imagin how big a pain threshold can be for most of these ladies.
THis doesn't mean beat them black and blue they can heal it means we can build up to higher levels over time.
IF she can handle 20 swats and is back to normal after washing her face or such then 5 more aren't going to cause any big damage either.
One thing I use is if it is a repeat offence within a certain time frame is the first is a light reminder, 10 attention getting swats the next time is 20 to get the message accross and if they repeat again well they must need 40.
Each session with in a time frame and you will have to set your own double what they got the last time.
For some things this could happen with in a single day, such as disrespectful cursing.
If it is about not getting something done in the house that is either a daily rule or was requested special then forgetting again with in a week would be the double time frame.
It is all about finding a level that you are comfortable with and much of it is teaching yourself just where your subs limits are,
And just a note, some subs have leather rears.
For one sub 10 solid swats might be their limits and others with leather rumps well 10 doens't even begin to change their color to that lovely rosy shade that we seem to love.
So don't even look at needing a certain shade as some talk because each person has different levels and pain thresholds and need different levels of discipline corrections.
Caged
You will not hurt her; yes it stings and she is going to yelp but you aren't doing any long term physical harm. Any bruises will disappear.
ReplyDeleteThe lesson will be learned. It's not spousal abuse as much as it's therapy for her. You'll see a change afterwards and as you continue as HOH.
Spankings of all kinds work for you both. Trust an old "hand"...
Thanks guys these are awesome. Now if I can just get him well enough to get out of the bed. Think he is coming down with the flu...chills, fever, the works. Think I am sleeping on the couch...love you honey but you can keep this set of germs. LOL
ReplyDeleteHere are a few thoughts. These were posted on the D & L site originally in the thread you started.
ReplyDeleteFirst try to minimize any perception that there is pain involved.
Try to lie still, try to control any impulse to scream or engage in unladylike behavior such as cursing, etc. Don't shout "Stop" etc. Thank him and encourage him during the process ("i.e. That feels good. Thank you for discipling me").
Although some disapprove of so called topping from the bottom, you might say "harder".
If you need more pain without him feeling he hurt you too badly. I am told the Loopy John really hurts, but leaves few marks. Possibly you could use yours, and see if he could replace say a hand spanking with one using one of these, delivering the same number of blows with the same force. Especially if you can avoid reacting too strongly to each blow, this may work.
While it is always good to thank a spouse for anything they do for you, it seems essential here. Even if right after being spanked you feel bad and are still hurting, you must force yourself to thank him and sound like you mean it.
Most women report becoming wet when spanked. If this is true of you (I assume it is) , tell him when being spanked. Urge him to confirm it. Try to be in a spanking position where it can easily be done (most provide easy access to the vagina) . If you are across his lap, he should be able to easily feel you there. Make certain your legs are spread so he can easily see and feel that area.
Most men know sexual arousal is powerful. They have probably had experiences where some pain of theirs was not felt when aroused and they were focused on sex. If you explain being spanked arouses you, and prove it to him, he will find it very believable that the pain you feel is much less than he would feel if he was taking the same punishment.
I think the most powerful argument you can use is that the sexual excitement does lower the pain. He needs to both know that, and if need be to be able to confirm that you are being excited when spanked.
Even if the goal is discipline only, the fact it excites you, means it hurts less than he may think. After confirming this, he may feel better about continuing.
In your blog you joked about spanking him on his birthday. If such a spanking did not arouse him (and it probably would not), it would hurt him more than if he spanked you on your birthday. You should make sure he understands this difference.
I see you hope for a spanking on your birthday, Monday. It sounds like the house will be quiet. I see nothing wrong with telling him that, and making it very clear. If he doesn't think of it, I would present yourself to him suitably prepared. Is this lobbying effort intended to be sure he makes it hard?
It is possible to be a submissive wife in a Christian marriage and yet be never spanked. Your conscience should be clear. If you try to follow his lead, and have told him he may spank you if he feels like it is needed, you are a good Christian in a DD marriage. This is true, even if he seldom or never chooses to spank you. You have given him the gift of submission.