Annie's Woodshed: I Am Not Bad - I Am Just Drawn That Way

A True Wife

"A true wife makes a man's life nobler, stronger, grander, by the omnipotence of her love 'turning all the forces of manhood upward and heavenward.' While she clings to him in holy confidence and loving dependence she brings out in him whatever is nobles and richest in his being. She inspires him with her courage and earnestness. She beautifies his life. She softens whatever is rude and harsh in his habits or his spirit. She clothes him with the gentler graces of refined and cultured manhood. While she yields to him and never disregards his lightest wish, she is really his queen, ruling his whole life and leading him onward and upward in every proper path. -JR Miller

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Am Not Bad - I Am Just Drawn That Way

In the good moments – I am committed to my husband

In the not so good moments – I am committed to my marriage

In the bad moments – I am committed to the commitment

Someone shared that with me and it makes total sense to me. You see that is how I have been living the past 29 + years. Even in the darkest days of our marriage when I had packed up and returned home to family and friends and left him 13 hours and 800 miles away I could not picture life without him.

Yes I have said I was miserable and was ready to walk away from it all but I was not ready to walk away from him. You see hubby is the part that completes me and he is my soul mate. I can not picture life without him. That is the reason I am willing to fight for this marriage and do whatever it takes to make this work. This is the reason for CDD and boot camp.

Someone stated that I would not make it in their house with my sassiness. This made me pause and I asked hubby if I was really bad. He said no, I wasn’t bad. Yes I was sassy but in an acceptable way (gotta love that man.) I am just going to have to stop writing tongue and cheek style. It is true that I am sassy but I am a fiery red head of Irish decent so all I can say is I have come a long way baby. LOL I don’t think hubby wants much to change other than him having the final say (which he really has had all along but never used) and he wants more respect. In other words I need to ask before I jump in with both feet oh and no more pppsssstttttt. I have been informed that is not very lady like and is disrespectful. (*sigh* fine no more pppsstttt, but what about crossed arms rolling eyes and stopping foot…oops there I go writing tongue and cheek again scratch that.) But hubby loves me just the way I am he knew I was damaged goods the day he asked me to marry him and he loves me anyway.

Someone asked what I hope to get out of boot camp. Well that is easy, I want hubby to be more confident in his role of HOH. I want him to be able to give an order and not second guess himself. I want us to build more trust. I have stated before trust is an issue for me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and was mistreated by another male family member so I do not trust men. Hubby has paid the price of this even though he has never given me one reason not to trust him. I want to get in the habit of going to him for things, asking his permission.

You see I was blessed to be a stay at home wife/mom most of the past 29 years. Well probably half of it and the half what I have worked has been part time. During that time I handled the bills, car maintenance, doctor visits, grocery shopping, laundry and anything that had to be done I took care of it to spare hubby that included cutting the grass. I was the main disciplinarian because I was with the boys 24/7 so being the take charge person I am I ran the show. But when he walked through the door he was king of the castle, he got control of the remote control, he got control of the computer and for dinner he had what he wanted to eat. It was just this queen wasn’t interested in playing second fiddle she wanted to share the spot light after all I was his equal or so I had been taught.

All those personality test were correct. I am an organizer, a leader, and I am very good at it also. I had a boss tell me more than once I was the grease that kept the wheels turning and the glue that held everything together. I can throw a diner party for guest arriving at 6:00 when notified at 4:30 that he will be bring guest home. I can organize and arrange travel at the drop of a hat and I can throw together one of the best programs in the matter of minutes. I do not see this as a special talent it is just what I do. Looking at my house you would never know this but walk into my office and you are in a different world.

And that is where some of the discord comes from…I could easily be OCD when it comes to my house every thing has a place and everything in its place but hubby is not that way. He is more laid back so when I get in a cleaning tizzy he has to reign me in because if he doesn’t I will make everyone’s life miserable. Over the years I have learned to over look books in the living room floor (honey leave it at least they are doing their homework), I don’t go in the boys’ rooms any more (it is their room and if they can live in a pig sty then let them) GGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!! As long as it is clean dirt (meaning he has clean clothes, the floor is swept, clean dishes to eat off and clean sheets) hubby is happy and content. He wants our home to be refuge for those that need a place and he wants all to feel welcome. Me? Well I want a nice neat house that I would be proud to host ladies’ tea in and that is where the discord comes in. He is happy with today’s dirt and I don’t want dirt. He keeps reminding me that the boys will soon be gone and then I can have my spotless house but he wants me to enjoy this time now with the boys while we still have them.

He is still working on our boot camp guide. He was not pleased with the one I found (and truthfully neither was I.) There are some things in it that neither of us is comfortable with. VANILLA describes us very well. If you snoop through our drawers and closet you will not find x-rated DVDs and magazines. Nor will you find adult toys, like cuffs, spreader bars, nipple clamps (I nursed three babies and those things look painful) butt plugs (*shudder* unchartered territory), whips, chains or anything else along those lines. Some of the suggestions have me headed for the door at break neck speed. Thankfully he doesn’t seem to care for those suggestions either. I am waiting for him to finish revising so we can sit down and go over it so I will know what he expects. Hopefully this will be a growing experience for both of us. One that will bring us closer together, although just change in my attitude and my willingness to step back has made a difference. He seems happier and he teases me more. It is like when we first got married or when we were dating.

I will say there is one suggestion he likes from the boot camp information...the random swats. Friday night #2 son was asleep (he works nights) and #1 and #3 sons were headed to the movies. He timed it just as the door closed his hand connected with my bottom and he looks at me and grins and says RANDOM. I just smiled and went back to cooking messy nachos. He is in rare form lately and I love it.

2 comments:

cedenoFebruary 14, 2011 at 10:35 PM
Let me tell you two things...
1) My husband will neve be like some HoHs out there simply because he likes it when we banter. I'm a smart-alec, always have been. He likes that wit and our bantering. The trick and difference now is to not get mean. I am better now and no I'm going down if I'm not. But he knows what he married and likes it and would never take it away.
2) My husband invented random swats. Every day, every way I get them. In fact, a lot of my 'correction' is a random swat right when I start getting cheeky. Random and HARD!

Good for you guys. I think you are doing it right. Be who you are and then be what you need with that to be loving, not hating.

Awesome, Awesome, Awesome!!!
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StormyFebruary 18, 2011 at 7:39 PM
I'm glad there is a boot camp out there that is not too "hard core" that you guys can utilize. I hope you can share the information? I agree, some of what I read is waaaay too out there for me.
Random swats..not too sure I'd welcome that! Already happens here..are we supposed to encourage it? LOL.
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Colossians 3:18-25

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Slaves, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality. Colossians 3:18-25 ESV

1Peter 3:1-7

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1Peter 3:1-7

Proverbs 31: 10-31

An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet. She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. Proverbs 31: 10-31 (ESV)

Annie's Woodshed